Making something out of nothing that isn't something, and making too many things out of one
Today is Groundhog's Day, and there were actually people protesting. Methinks some people have too much free time. Of course, it is P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or People Eating Tasty Animals, or something like that). I can honestly say that the best thing P.E.T.A. does for the world is get hot women to take off their clothes to protest fur and leather clothing. If you're going to protest something, that is the way to get my attention. To complain about Punxsutawney Phil's treatment seems like a total waste of energy, not to mention a complete lack of nudity. P.E.T.A.'s complaint was that he is subjected to year-round display, he's not allowed to hibernate, and forced to endure lights and noisy crowds. You know who else has that very same problem? Ben Affleck. Obviously they are not People For The Ethical Treatment of Affleck. Heartless, un-Affleck-caring bastards! Do you know what those evil Punxsutawnians do to that groundhog? Keep it in a climate-controlled environment, feed it, and keep it out of traffic and coyotes. You know why animals hibernate? Because they can't find food! If Phil can't find food, it might be because he's too lazy to waddle is furry ass to the other side of his enclosure in the local library. If only the homeless people in Philadelphia or Pittsburgh could be the same deal. They aren't keeping Phil awake all winter in some kind of Guantanamo Groundhog program. (We only do that to people, I mean enemy combatants, not animals—See, P.E.T.A., we aren't so bad!) And P.E.T.A.'s solution to the inhumane treatment of caring for the groundhog? A robotic groundhog! When SkyNet brings about the robot uprising, do we really want to deal with Terminators and Mecha-Phil? A whole battalion of pissed-off Roombas will be bad enough. What next, P.E.T.A.? Mecha-Affleck? Oh wait, I think I already I've seen him in a few films.
I saw a product advertised the other day that made me scratch my head and wonder. Nivea for Men Active3. Have we really gotten to the point where we need a single product as a body wash, shaving cream, and shampoo? Is this for people too lazy to reach for the soap or shaving cream or shampoo and whatever you grab has to serve all your personal grooming needs? I could use a bar of soap for everything too, but I don't because I like to think my personal grooming have evolved a bit more than that. Sure in a pinch, I might, such as when I'm camping. Nivea's marketing slogan should be "Whether you're going to wash your hair, or scrap it off, or clean those places you have none—we've got you covered." In my case, almost the only place I don't have hair is where I scrape it off. You can take this all-in-one stuff too far, if you don't think Active3 hasn't already done so. What's next? Is Crest going to come out with fluoride breakfast bars for people who can't brush after breakfast? Is Charmin going to make underwear I can wipe my ass with and flush at the end of the day? I'm reminded of the old SNL skit—"It's a floor wax and a dessert topping!" Active3 is the new Shimmer. No thanks, Nivea.